16. Adult Fun And Humour.

21/6/08.

Posted under Jokes on the Forum.
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An old man goes to the doctor's, he walks into the busy waiting room, goes up to the desk, and says to the lady receptionist, "Can I please see the doctor?"

"Certainly, sir," she says. "What is it about?"

"I've got a problem with my dick."

A few stifled chuckles spread round the room, the receptionist is obviously slightly embarrassed and flustered. "Sir, I would advise that you do not speak like that in such a public place."

The old man is indignant. "If you don't want an embarrassing answer, you shouldn't ask embarrassing questions," he says.

"But sir, surely it would make sense just to make up a problem, and then tell the doctor the real problem when you see him. Say it's a problem with your ear or something. It would cause much less embarrassment."

"Ok, I take your point," the man says.

The receptionist continues, "Shall we start again?"

"Can I please see the doctor?" The man requests.

"Certainly, sir," she says. "What is it about?"

"I have a problem with my ear."

"Uh-huh, and what is the problem?"

"I can't piss out of it!"
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An Arab family was considering putting their
>> grandfather in a nursing home.
>>> Since most of the facilities were completely full,
>> they had to put him in a Jewish home.
>>>
>>> After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came
>>> to
>> visit Grandpa.
>>> 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
>>>
>>> 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
>> respectful,' says Grandpa.
>>> 'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
>>> was
>> the wrong place
>>> for you. You know, since you are a little different
>> from everyone.'
>>>
>>> 'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they
>> treat the residents here,' Grandpa says with a bi g smile:
>>>
>>> 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
>>> He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
>> still calls him 'Maestro'!'
>>>
>>> 'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He
>> hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your
>> Honour'!'
>>>
>>> And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He
>> hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
>> 'Doctor'!'
>>>
>>> 'And what about you Grandpa' - asks the grandson.
>>> 'And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
>> still call me 'The xxxxxxg Arab!'
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Every home should have one.

Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on his holidays. Murphy says "Yeah, cheers mate get me 200 Bensons." Two weeks later Paddy comes home, sees Murphy in the pub and says "I got your fags, you owe me sixty-eight quid."
"For fuck's sake," said Murphy, "where did you go on holiday?"
Paddy says "Butlins."
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My wife has been using the new sarcastic washing powder.

It takes the piss out of my underwear.
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An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina."

The old guy says, "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
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A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
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What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex?

It means you're in the wrong house.
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I remember when my grandad went into a retirement home, very sad. I rang up my gran and asked how he was doing.
"Oh, he's like a fish out of water"

"Is he finding it hard to adjust then?"

"No, he's dead."
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A recent survey found that 3% of blokes could suck their own cocks.

What a load of rubbish. I mean, if you could suck your own cock, when would you find the time to take part in surveys?
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A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "alright. Get in."
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Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Make a tire and call it a good year.
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One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom
asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning
about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At
least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up
to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his
room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and
sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're
done with your homework, supper's on the table."
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A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore.
He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"
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For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
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Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
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Following a night out with a few
friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.


'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For,

*****sake, you ****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons.''

You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.


'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'


'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

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Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the

morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus

and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the

mortician pulled back the sheet.


Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.


So the mortician rolled him over.


Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean

in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over'.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,


'No, it ain't Paddy'.


The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'


Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'


'What, he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.


'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,

folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'
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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."

** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her
ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"
__________________________________________
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.
_____________________________________________

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was
great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
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Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?

A: Her legs!
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This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years
ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...
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Stress-Relieving Prayer



Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.
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A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says,
"Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
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The company sergent is briefing the recruits:

"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."
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A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an
aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells,
"What the fxxx are you doing?"
"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.
"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.
"Good then, Lets fxxx!" said the bloke.
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A little girl was walking along a beach in Brighton when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 999 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little
bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,
broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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The next time your wife or girlfriend refuses to give you a blowjob, just remind her that it's a lot easier for them to drink a spoonfull of milk than it is for you to lick a dead fish!!
__________________________________________________

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
his life.
Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success, "she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
life! Miss World beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
*very* tempted.
But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
climb higher.
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
bar,
and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fxxx off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"
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Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.
"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to do them."
The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her bedroom.
Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and approached the second girl. Through sign language, they agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.
When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but burned his fingers on the stove.
"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the kitchen.
"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the dishes."
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All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:






'I outlived the bitches.'

____________________________________________


This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her
he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a
tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather
have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I
have to adjust the chair."
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A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."
_____________________________________________
One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an arse hole.
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Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news
that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has
had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to
celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells
them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer.
Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fxxxxxx your mother after I'm
gone!"
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LOTS OF NEW JOKES ON THE FORUM.
_______________________________________________
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
________________________________________________


What's the difference between a washing machine and a 16 yr old girl?

A washing machine does not follow you around for a fortnight saying it loves you after you've dumped your load in it!
________________________________________________

A man mentioned something to his landlord about the tenants in the flat above his ... "Quite often, they stamp on the floor and shout until about midnight." But when the landlord asked him how often this behaviour disturbed him, he replied "Not that often really, because I stay up and practice my trombone until about midnight nearly every night anyway" ...
________________________________________________

Need your screen cleaning?

http://chezmaya.com/08/clean.htm
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A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who
had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant
owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and
shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the
restaurant man.He had sent to the funeral a clover design of
red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the
inscription: BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.
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A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered
that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a
hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her
lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a
hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!
______________________________________________


Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as
a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his
new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I
wonder how the girls are doing?"
___________________________________________



LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

(I love this one!!)
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
_______________________________________________
You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.



The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition, both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together.



Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.



The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.





Not a dry eye anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera flashes and the moment is captured for all eternity.............

Wedding Gown £2,500.
Photographer £2,000.
Vintage Rolls Royce £1,000.

Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends.

PRICELESS!!!!!
____________________________________________

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,"
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."
______________________________________________


A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.
He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got
your bloody ball!"
________________________________________________

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

DARLING,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE UNITED UTILITIES WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE PROPERLY

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
JEWSONS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS,

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..

DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
_________________________________________________

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
_________________________________________________

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is
using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he
finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the
line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the
racquet out of your mouth."
________________________________________________

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.
Vents wre checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly,
and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for
getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home......including the curtain rods.
______________________________________________

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman
just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to
me?"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that
every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled,
"I just asked the time, miss."

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you
say another word!"

Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened
to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and
wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a
quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you,
but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis
on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,
"You'll do all that for me all night for just ten pounds ?"
____________________________________

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
_____________________________________________

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
__________________________________________________

"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me."
But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not.
How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't
even be lying here making love."
________________________________________________

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a
fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary
money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a
turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the
public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and
after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth
owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he
had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was
a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the
drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead
a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered
off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than
before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the
drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was
given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third
attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in
the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three
times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time
there was an onlooker with good eyesight."That's fantastic", the
man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to
the target and inspecting it closely.

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me
another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
____________________________________________

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fxxx around at these crematoriums you
know.
____________________________________________

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence!' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me so I'm elebrating!'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer as they clinked glasses, then asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens
have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence!
_____________________________________________

Cold Hands

There's an naive girl riding in a bus with her mother, and she
say's "my hands are
really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
between your legs,
that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
next day the girl is
riding in the car with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
cold, so the girl say's,
"Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
his hands get
warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
The day after that
he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
my legs and warm it
up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
asks, "Mom have you
ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
says I don't know
what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
_______________________________________________

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can
get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to
the pharmacy to buy travel pills and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day
cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and
buys some more travel pills and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now
book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug
store and asks for more travel pills and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
you keep doing it?"
_________________________________________

What is the definition of an overbite?

When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit.
_______________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a woman you fix your legs and move
your ass

Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure!
_____________________________________________

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
________________________________________________

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
_________________________________________________

Did you know that once you get married,
you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex:
That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on
the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much
like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex:
That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the
curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you
make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex:
That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw
You !"
______________________________________________

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
______________________________________________

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong
to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I
had tennis elbow once."
_______________________________________________

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.


'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.


'What's so funny?' he asked


'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those older ladies!

Their minds are always working!

______________________________________________

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"
______________________________________________

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.
He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?
________________________________________________

"K enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, K sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - A BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL are in my garage; plus I have over 10 million dollars in the bank. But -- not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.""
___________________________________________

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'




SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
___________________________________________

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
"I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go fxxx yourself"
____________________________________________

A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets
out a loud yell and out pops a little black head.
"There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife. Then she screamed
again and out pops a yellow body. "That must be the Chinese guy I slept
with" she said. Then one more scream and the baby�s white legs were born,
"Ah - that was the husbands bit" she said.
The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby
started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said "Thank fxxx for
that, I thought it was going to bark !!!"
_____________________________________________

Did Philip fart? Look at the Queens face!!!!

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.
He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had.
The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was
far too expensive.
The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was
also too expensive.
Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened
to have her legs open ready.
The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom.
So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had
the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the
next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black
condom.
Again the prostitute had her legs open ready.
When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear
a black condom?
The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead."
_____________________________________________

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
_______________________________________________

California Driving Test Answers


The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
____________________________________________

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs.

He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets
to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to
say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You
fxxxxxx bitch, you wrecked my life.'"

_____________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a policeman's baton
and a magician's wand?

A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
________________________________________________

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.
_________________________________________________

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations,"
said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied,
"Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
_____________________________________________

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their
wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new
groom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How can
that be? You've been married twice..."

The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a
psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,
she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was............. Oh God, I miss him!"
______________________________________________

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party
about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home.
On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a
good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
___________________________________________

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."
_______________________________________________

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should
I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice
for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with
the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his last son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
______________________________________________

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off
so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand
of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon
another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How
about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and
hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take
home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
_______________________________________________

Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
__________________________________________________

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were
forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,
I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check
in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job,
because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
___________________________________________

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love,
"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
_______________________________________________

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
________________________________________________

In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed
to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on
complete secrecy.
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all
over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the
mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all
them fxxxxxx' Indians!"
______________________________________________

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in
a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before
they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre
door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the
sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks
away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second
man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely,
she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start th
operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
_______________________________________________

Wife to husband.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
________________________________________________

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
_________________________________________________

A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
________________________________________________

"How tall are you?"

"Six foot seven."

"Let's forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches."

- Mae West
__________________________________________________

A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and scarf and says,
"I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and came right away,
but what could "I" possibly do to save the country?"
Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit..."
_________________________________________________

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail
in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He
unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up
this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down
nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come
you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside
down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after
some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"
______________________________________________

Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
_____________________________________________

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again -- the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.
"I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!"
_______________________________________________

What can Pelicans, Penguins and the Gas and Electric companies all do?










They can all shove their bills up their arse.
__________________________________________________

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give
me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some
more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the
donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
___________________________________________

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a
park.

The witness: They were fxxxxxx your honor
The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:
The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear
Until tiny sounds came to my ear
There was this couple on the ground there
and his balls were dangling in the air
and you know his what was in her you know where
If that wasn't fxxxxxx your Honor I wasn't there.
____________________________________________

Did you hear about the dim man who went into the hardware store to
buy a chain saw ?
He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it only
cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the
problem was.
The man jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
__________________________________________

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off
his secretary."
_______________________________________________

Dearest Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four
days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
out of the normal has happened.

Love, Mom
______________________________________________

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a
wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough,
she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat
on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he
makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining
her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so
he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out
by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he
feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's
screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general
panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says
he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so
the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and
instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the
wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with
vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which
the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the
bastard!!!
______________________________________________

The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint.
"Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive."
"Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head."
"Thats what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."
______________________________________________

The following announcements are from church bulletins ...

1. The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children ...

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning ...

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door ...

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." ...


7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community ...

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy ...

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow ...

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams ...

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early ...

12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice ...

13. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance ...

14. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child ...

15. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel ...

16. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." ...

17. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." ...

18. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help ...

19. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs ...

20. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar ...

21. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones ...

22. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
_____________________________________________

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
____________________________________________

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being
able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several
minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,
"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it
thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally
lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
_________________________________________

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
_______________________________________________

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
______________________________________________

One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big
Chief, no shit". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief
should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning
the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no
shit". the doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the
chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again
saying "big chief, no shit". the doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.

The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):

"Big shit, no chief".
_____________________________________________

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?"

"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took
measures and then went with the biggest."
_________________________________________________

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest
a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
and won over �5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you �10,000 for the horse."
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."
_________________________________________

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
______________________________________________

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?
_______________________________________________

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did
you ask me?
______________________________________________

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her
husband,
"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to
women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party
tonight?"
_______________________________________________

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
______________________________________________

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
£300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge £20."
"£20 for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't
make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the
side!"
________________________________________________

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he
asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder
than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?"
______________________________________________

This is a passenger announcement.

The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.
___________________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders.

"Where is God?"

The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.

"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"

"He is everywhere,"

"Very good that�s right."

But still there were two children that didn�t put their hands down,
so the teacher continued.

"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"

"God is inside me."

"Very good that�s right."

Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand.
He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.

"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"

"He�s in our bathroom."

Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he�s in the bathroom?"

The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says,
�My God are you still in there?� "
______________________________________________

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his
father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out
a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard
a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's
feet.
"What's this," she asked.
"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
___________________________________________

Happened in Kentucky --

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home--. with the chain still attached to the machine-- with their bumper still attached to the chain-- with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
_______________________________________________

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys."
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
_______________________________________________

An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions.
"Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked."
"The same as the short ones, honey."
_________________________________________________

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
______________________________________________

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor
asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked
when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
_________________________________________

Blind Bungee Jumping – Did you read about the blind man who went bungee jumping? His dog had a heart attack half way down.
________________________________________________

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll
never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position
for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."
______________________________________________

A man walks into chemists and speaks to the lady assistant

"do you have any deodorant miss?"

"ball or aerosol" was the reply

"no, it's for under my arms, you cheeky girl"
_______________________________________________

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,
he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his
body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,
except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself
in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says "There is no justice in this world".
The other lady says "What do you mean?"
The first lady says "Look at that".
When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild
____________________________________________

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."
____________________________________________

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,
"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs
were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she
putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking
and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided
that I should help.
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
(How true of life today.)
_____________________________________________

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
_____________________________________________

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We
work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at
ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for
a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."
_______________________________________________

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to
come down to earth
to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great
shape and they went
to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech
impediment, but this
didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
then in the morning
Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name,
so he said to her, "I'm
Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said,
"You're thore I'm tho
thore I can hardly pith."
___________________________________________

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his
birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long
suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."
______________________________________________

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"
about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?"

"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
_________________________________________

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points at his foot and says, "War wound."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back."
________________________________________________

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
_____________________________________________

"Say, how old are you anyway ?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at
once and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet
smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
____________________________________________

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses and next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
_____________________________________________

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I
was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for £1000 and the
tiny ones for £10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd
had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight
ones sold for £1000 and the loose ones for £10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

___________________________________________

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send
me the bill." Later, he got a bill for £200.00, which he paid. The next
month, he got another bill for £200.00, which he also paid, figuring it
was some incidental expense. Bills for £200.00 kept arriving every month,
and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going
on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for
Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
_____________________________________________

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
_____________________________________________

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not
showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate
family member's death.

One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",
and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had
subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse,
you can just use your other hand to write."
_______________________________________________

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his
wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what
happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these
are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not
a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was
your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and
white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it
really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man
asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office,
honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss
today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's
not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"
_______________________________________________

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
___________________________________________________

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
________________________________________________

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
___________________________________________________

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
______________________________________________

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an
agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four
hundred a week.